I've been confused.
Actually, I've been confused for a while now, but I've also been in denial that I'm confused. Make any sense at all??
Confused about who I am. Confused about who I want to be. Confused on what I want and need.
I guess everyone goes threw these times where their life just doesn't make any sense--I kinda thought my time would come later in life...when I'm 40ish. Or even 22.
Firstly, my relationship. I think it's gotten to the point where I...I'm panicking and I want to run. Things are going so good, and I love him so much that I'm finding things, little petty, pathetic, things and turning them into huge things. I need an excuse to run away and start over.
I've done it before and I don't want it to happen again. Truthfuly, I know how much we care about each other, and I know it would hurt way too much...but yet, I'm still getting those thoughts.
Family wise, I can't win for losing (i think thats the saying..i could be completly wrong). I think they are all ganging up on me. They call and tell me how much I've changed and they want to know whats going on. At first I told them "people change...it's life", but they wouldn't accept that. I came to the conclusion that I'm changing for the best (my friends see that, but family doesn't) and that if they don't like it, tough shit. Sooo, needless to say, family stuff is hard to put up with. They call and it's full of these awkward silences. Silences that you just want to scream "SAY SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND MEANINGFUL!!"..but you don't, because you know who you are talking to, and you know that nothing important and meaningful ever comes out of their mouths.
I don't know if I can take family issues much longer if they keep going like they are. I don't know what to do. If I tell them what I honestly think, it's going to start fights and all kinds of drama...If I suck it up and tell them what they want to hear, I'll be living a huge lie just for the simple fact that these people are too stupid and selfish to think about someone else for a change.
Work wise....well, that's actually really good. I enjoy my new position and I generally enjoy people I work with--although I'm pretty sure those feelings are shared with others.
I find myself thinking a lot at work. Mostly about Gavin. How great he is too me. How much I love him. How much I love spending time with him. How much the silliest things he says brings me so much joy. How he can look at me a certain way or touch my hand or face and make me melt on the inside--I also think a lot about how I need to get out of it. I'm not worthy of that...what the fuck does he see in me? I need to save him the trouble of breaking up with me, and do it for him. But then, again, I think that I can't do that to someone again. It's the worst feeling in the world. And as strong as my feelings were before.....I honestly have never felt as strongly about someone as I do for him. They say when it's true love, you will know it....I think I'm feeling something I've never felt before and I'm not sure what it is. It scares me to death.
When I'm not at work, or with Gavin, or doing alone time hobbies...I'm with friends. I'm sad Michelle doesn't hang with us (me) more. She is caught up in being a college student. A full time college student that works part time and volunteers...and is in a relationship (whether she sees it or not). I'm sad she isn't around more...but I'm glad she has finaly cam into her own. Before now, she was always the person that was there. Too shy to approach people or say anything. Too intimidated by college to do anything about it. Too much of a homebody to go out with out me. Now it's changed and I'm happy for her. She's grown up and living her own life. But I think I should be happiER for her than I am.
I think it's me clinging on to what used to be. I said it myself, people change...but I'm desperatly trying to hang on to the past.
Nidia...damn. I love her to death. She's such a great freind. She will do anything at the drop of a hat for anyone, and she's the best friend ANYONE could ever ask for. She's got a grown up job now, one that effects the way teenagers grow up and make something out of themselves. She is so fucking in love with Renee that it is just touching. I...find myself telling myself that she is so grown up and has a life that I don't need to bug her with my radio job or my relationship stuff or family stuff. I know she knows I'm keeping stuff, but its because she seems too high and mighty for me--not in the bad way, just you know? She has her shit together, and she's only a couple years older than me. I don't need to bug her with shit. Anyways...
I'm spending more and more time with Alexis, and I think things are going to blow up. Seriously, I love her. She is a great person and she just wants to find someone to love her.
*this is the part where it gets kinda creepy and homo-ish*
I knew that she had a thing for me when we became friends. There was drunk mistakes that I kind of took for granted that not everybody thinks making out is fun or funny, some people take it as a meaningful moment.
That makes me sound kinda slutty, so let me explain. I knew her for all of two days, we were at Nids' and we were drinking. On a dare (for what seemed like more money that there was) we made out. I have no problem with it, I'm comfortable with my sexuality...and she's a good kisser. After that things got awkward. We all hung out and I told her how things were. She was cool with it, and since things were fine we hung out some more. This kinda lead to her telling me that she 'liked me a lot, and that if we hooked up it would be perfectly great in her eyes...but if I wasn't down for that, she would just like to keep me as a friend'. Friend it was. After some initial awkwardness, we got over it and it's like we've been friends forever.
Well...I find myself looking at her differently latley. I don't know if its because we are such good friends and I know what makes her tick. What makes her her.
Friendships and relationships are only seperated by the fact that you don't have sex. With friends, you tell them everything (atleast close friends...and atleast I do).
So...I beleive I have a bit of a girl crush on Alexis. Yeah, I know I'm straight. I don't find anything about women preticularly a turn on..I can tell you when one looks really good or is pretty...but "in that way"? No.
Nidia explained her take on the whole thing with men and women. She is a personality person. She loves people for who they are, and it doesn't matter to her what sex they may be. Why deny yourself of a great great person just because of something they had no control over?
That made sense to me...but seriously, me? have a crush on a girl? Nooooo. Can't be. It must just be some type of psychological thing, right? I mean, the thing with Gavin, feeling what I've never felt before....thats love, right? This thing with Alexis, is like...like a great friendship right? The only thing different from friendships and relationships is the sex. You tell your lover the things you tell your friends. You tell your friends the things you don't tell your lover. So, if you tell your friend all the things you tell your lover, plus all the things you don't tell the lover...that brings you twice as close to the friend...no?
Fuck if I know.

So, with all this in my mind, I thought I needed a change. Obviously, I didn't want to change anything too dramaticly, what I needed was another place to vent: Live Journal. This (diaryland) seems very personal to me. Maybe because my name is in the title *twice*, or maybe because it's my first venture into online bloging. It's the first journal I've kept thats not stored in my book self, sideways behind books so it looks like nothing is there.
So, 86 days. I enjoy the LJ. I think it gives me a certain about of privacy (even though I know it doesn't--for fuck sake I have my face as an icon). I enjoy being able to post my poetry and chapters of stories so only a few can read. I enjoy the name emensly too..

So, diary, there it is. My life, out there for everyone to see. I have no clue whats going to happen next. I really have no fucking clue what I'm going to do in the next 5 minutes. I think I need an opinion thats fresh. Someone's opinion that can help me get my mind striaght.
A therapist? I dunno, would that help? Some that knows stuff, who has lived life and is willing to share with me things?
A life mentor?
Yeah, something like that...